slashluv18 (slashluv18) wrote in 1_million_words,

F is for Fear

Title: Fear
Author: Samantha
Fandom: Harry Potter
Character/Pairing: Andromeda/Rabastan
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: 1_million_words A to Z Challenge: F
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 966
Rabastan and Andromeda have a serious talk about the realities of their situation.

Rabastan hated the look on her face, the disappointment. He seemed to always bring it out in her, no matter how hard he tried to be better.

He knew he wasn't worthy of her, but he would never stop trying to be worthy. That had to count for something, right?"

"I'm sorry, for everything that I've done."

Andromeda didn't seem to bend at all in relation to her feelings. Her face was set in stone and her arms were crossed. "Rabastan, I'm not sure I can keep doing this," she softly admitted.

Anxiousness filled him, and he was sure the she would be able to read the anxiety on his face. Usually, he was better at hiding his emotions, but it was nearly impossible when he was so close to losing her.

"Andromeda –"

"I love you. I do, but I can't stand the idea of you going to that man and doing all of those horrible things. And then you come home and touch me with the same hands. It disgusts me." As if to emphasize the point, she shuddered in revulsion.

"I'm a spy for Dumbledore and the Order. You know that. It was the only way I would not be killed by him. And I give valuable information to Dumbledore, information that will hopefully bring the Dark Lord down once and for all. Even though he isn't aware of it, I turned against my own brother for you. My family. And you're still not happy." He walked pass her to the door. With his back still to her, he softly muttered. "You're never happy no matter what I do. Why do I even bother trying?"

And then with slumped shoulders, he left their bedroom. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he knew he had to get away for a little while.

.It was nearly dark – almost seven hours since their argument – that Andromeda found him. He ignored her when she sat down next to him.

"Rabastan –"

"Don't. You want to end us? Fine. You want to walk away from a four year relationship? Fine. Don't play nice, though. You're breaking my heart, and I feel like everything I've done for you, all of my sacrifices, have been for nothing. In your eyes, I can't do anything right."

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's not true."

"You do remember what you said this morning, right?" he asked, still not looking at her.

"I do, but I didn't mean it."

At those words, Rabastan finally turned his head and stared deeply into her eyes. "It isn't? Then why?"

"I know you've done a lot, things you might not have done if you didn't love me so much. And I never want you to think I don't appreciate everything you've done, all of the changes you've made. I know some of it doesn't feel natural to you –"

"Andromeda," Rabastan interrupted, "I love you. I'd do anything to keep you. Nothing is more important to me than you. And I don't regret it because I know, despite what you said this morning, you are happy with what I've done to help end the war. Still, sometimes I feel like you don't think I'm good enough for you, and that hurts."

Tears pooled in Andromeda's eyes, but they didn't fall. "You are good enough." She leaned up and pressed her lips softy to his. It was a closed mouth kiss, meant to offer comfort, not to entice. Against his lips, she breathed, "I love you so much." She pulled away and continued, "And that's why when you came home a couple of nights go injured, I got scared. So scared that I started thinking that if you kept coming home injured, one day you might not come home at all. You could be killed, and I might not even be told if Dumbledore didn't discover the truth. And I might never see you again."

She took a shuddering breath. "That scared me so much. I thought it would be easier to break up with you and distance myself. I thought it would hurt less if something were to happen to you if we weren't together." She paused, closing her eyes as the tears finally cascaded down her cheeks. "I was a fool."

Rabastan completely relaxed at her visible pain. He hadn't even considered the idea that it might be hard for her to see him hurt. He remembered taking care of her when she was sick and feeling so helpless, not being to stop her from suffering. It had to be the same feeling Andromeda dealt with a couple of nights ago. In fact, it was probably worse because she knew it wouldn't be the last time.

"Andi, I'm so sorry you got scared. You have to know that I'll do everything I can to come home to you."

"You won't be able to prevent injuries. And what if he finds out the truth about your loyalties? I'm not sure I can live without you."

He pulled her into his arms and held her. "I can't promise you that I won't die because I never want to break a promise, but I can promise to always be careful and do everything I can so I get home to you. You're my reason to go home."

Andromeda buried her head into the crook between his neck and shoulder, inhaling his scent. "That will have to be enough, I guess," she whispered, her lips brushing against the sensitive skin there.

He didn't answer verbally. Instead, he held her tighter, hoping no one would interrupt one of their very few quiet moments.

She returned the embrace.

Nothing felt resolved, but it would have to be enough. Whatever they had to face, they would face together.

Tags: challenge: a to z, creation: fic

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